For the past several months I have been noticing the increasing feeling of dissatisfaction. Initially I think it was masked by the fact that I had started traveling again but it soon reared it’s ugly head. I thought that if I just kept on the move, always off having an adventure when I wasn’t working that it would pass, but that hasn’t been the case. It’s always there, in the background, and when things are silent and still, I can feel it.
I’m more emotional lately as well, or perhaps moody is a more appropriate word. I rarely feel happiness and never feel contentment. Instead there’s always a lurking disgruntlement. I seem to have a beef with most of the aspects of my current life and am only hopeful when I think of a life that is almost totally different than the one I have now.
I can’t seem to stop dwelling on things that annoy me and have problems focusing on positive aspects of my life. I’ve been making an effort to meditate but when I close my eyes my mind goes crazy, jumping from thought to thought and when I’m done, I don’t feel contentment like I used to, only frustration that I can’t even meditate anymore.
At work things are particularly bad. I’m even more detached from my patient’s than usual. I’m having problems feeling compassionate. I feel weary from taking care of people who leech from the system and don’t both to do the minimum for themselves. The hospital itself doesn’t make it any easier. It’s the most poorly run facility that I’ve ever worked in. Physician owned seems to mean that there are no repercussions for physician mismanagement. It’s often over an hour before someone will call me back at night which doesn’t help the distinct impression I get that most of them are only concerned with how much money they can make more than patient outcomes.
I used to have a deep, unshakeable feeling that I was supposed to do something great. I didn’t know what it was, only that it would touch many lives and somehow make the world slightly better. I don’t believe in predestination, but I held fast to my belief in myself. I knew that if I just kept on moving forward that someday a situation would present itself for me to fulfill that belief. Now, I’m not so sure. I feel mediocre and for the most part, useless. It’s not pleasant to feel this way, especially because I started nursing because I was tired of feeling useless all of the time.
The one thing that gives me hope is that I hate feeling this way. I may move slowly, but I’m looking for something that will get rid of these feelings. I think I’m starting to get pointed in the right direction and I’ m going to keep going that way until I figure it out, or I’m dead.
Lets hope it’s the former.