Wedding bells and lonely hearts

Well, over the long weekend G got married off. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, but it was a nice, unpretentious ceremony outside. There weren’t too many people invited and all in all I think that it went very well.


D and M flew in from Philly and we all stayed in a room together at the local hotel. It was good to catch up with them. I picked them up at the airport around midnight and we stopped off at a taco truck on our way back to the hotel, which I think is a pretty good welcome to LA. The next evening was the wedding, but we used the day of to do a little exploring. We drove to DTLA and walk around the theater district on our way to Grand Central Market. We managed to get some tasty treats before we had to get back to the hotel and get ready.


I had made a huge Google document and shared it with them full of possible restaurants to eat at, which seems a bit silly in retrospect. We only had one real meal to eat. They flew out Sunday afternoon to go house hunting in Washington. Hopefully they found something that they like.


I was sad to see them go. Sometimes I forget how good it feels to have true friends around you. It re-enforces how lonely I feel the majority of the time. I like to think that by forcing myself to be alone I’m creating a strong and independent person, but what if all I’m doing is just making myself lonely?


I often think about what my life could be like if I just chose to work a normal job, stop moving, and maybe buy a house. I know that I could still have cool vacations. I’d have the opportunity to make good, stable friendships. Have people to spend time with. Actually take trips or even eat out with other people. If I didn’t have to pack everything I have in my car I could but another motorcycle. I could have a TV room. I could have a dog. I could have, I could have, I could have.


I could have all kinds of things.


By continuing with this lifestyle maybe I’m making a choice to not be happy.


But the last time I stopped all I could think about was getting back out there and exploring. Maybe these are just all my fears and insecurities talking. After all, choosing to live like this is a pretty scary thing. I have no idea what the future holds.
Thinking that having things could make me happier is a trap that so many people fall into.


No, I think that this is what I have to do. At least for the foreseeable future. I should quiet my fears and trust in myself. I need to believe that there is a wonderful, exciting and fulfilling future just waiting for me out there and then I need to put one foot in front of another and go find it.


I’ve been up to quite a bit lately. I’ve been to LA (taco truck tour), several trips to San Diego, Las Vegas and even Tijuana. Yet I can’t seem to bring myself to write. I’m not really sure what the problem is. I’m not sure if when I get lots of days off I end up going somewhere and when I only have one or two days off, I want to not do anything. Or perhaps there’s something much deeper going on.

I suspect it’s the latter, as I find myself avoiding the question.


What is hidden so deep that it keeps me from writing? What am I afraid of finding?


I want to travel the world so badly. Right now I get paid to travel around the US, which is awesome, but I long for faraway shores. I’m hoping to be able to make it a reality this fall, after the end of this contract. I think I’ve finally settled on Thailand, it seems the most accessible. But already I’m finding myself second guessing. Wondering if I’m choosing the right place. Thinking of alternatives. Searching for the perfect experience. In addition, I’m already worrying about things that could make the trip not happen. Wondering if the amount of time I’ve decided to go for is too long. Worrying if the trip will cost too much. Most of all, scared that I won’t have another job lined up for when I get back.


On top of all of that, my car started acting up. Puffs of white smoke during start. Maybe I broke it when I went stage 2, but I knew that was a risk.


The point is, for a person who considers themselves laid back, I seem to worry quite a bit. I’m so focused on the things that could go wrong that it’s getting in the way of the present and probably hindering my ability to actually realize my future.


What to do? How to delve down into myself and figure out how to quiet it. Quiet myself, I suppose.


In other news, G is getting married in less than a week. D is flying in and we’ll have a couple of days in LA to hang out. Should be a good time. I actually have 8 days off in a row. A few of them are occupied with the wedding and such, but the rest are wide open. For the first time, I have a stretch of days off with nothing planned. It should be interesting.