Vestiges

Had a terribly annoying patient that decided to leave AMA last night. She wouldn’t listen to reason, wouldn’t really listen at all. She pulled her IV and didn’t pay any attention to the resident who showed up to try and convince her to stay. I explained what leaving AMA meant and how she really needed her Nicardipine drip. She didn’t care. She walked out of the unit after I told her that if she left, she couldn’t just come back.

 

She came back. And they just let her back into her room, completely bent the rules for her.

 

It’s hard sometimes trying to remember that what we do everyday is important. That I have the opportunity to touch lives. It’s hard when the majority of people just don’t care very much about their own health. But I think it’s important to keep in mind.

Slow start for a long journey

Waiting around for an interview is becoming frustrating. My goal of leaving on an assignment before November is becoming fantasy and with winter quickly approaching, I have to address the fact that my car only has summer tires on it. A decent set of all seasons will set be back around $700, money that I don’t exactly have. The jobs that I’m looking at aren’t paying like I thought they would either. Add to the mess that the difficulty I’m having even getting an interview, and you have one anxious Murse.

 

But it’s always easier to give up and become complacent then it is to follow through and go for it. And going for it is what I intend on doing. I just have to make sure that I can make it work. I worry that I’m being too picky and that my recruiter is getting tired of me. I worry that my room mate is tired of me being around. I worry that I’m not going to be able to pay all of my bills. I worry that whatever assignment I end up on will be terrible. So many worries.

 

I’m compelled to go, though. There is something deep inside of me that keeps telling me to go forward. I like to think that I will travel until I find where it is that I should stop and settle in, but I also worry that I will never find that place, that I will feel compelled to keep moving and never feel satisfied anywhere. Perhaps the problem isn’t with the places that I’ve lived, perhaps the problem is with me.
Or is it a problem?

 

Two more nights of work until I have a few days off. I’ve been trying to pick up extra shifts, and it’s hard because I keep getting shifts at Mursette’s hospital. I know that it must be absolutely terrible for her to see me. I have some idea of what she must be going through. Some idea, although she has a tendency for the dramatic, so I’m sure that it’s much worse than I’d like to admit to myself.

 

I have so much to do in the next few weeks. I have to switch bills around, shop for insurance, and figure out what to do with my 403B. It would be nice to be able to retire someday, after all. I’m also planning my own birthday party this year as well. Planning might be a bit of an exaggeration, I’ve given my friends a time and a bar to meet me at. The rest will be winged. I think that this year my present to myself is a hotel room. It’s probably a waste of money, but I think not worrying about driving home will be a treat as will hung over room service. I’m waffling a bit right now though, as I’ve had offers to drive me home after drinking. I quite like the idea of a room to myself though… I think I’m going to go through with it.

 

So, what do the next few weeks hold? I have no idea. I know that I’m worried, but at least I have a good job right now, making the best money I’ve ever made in my life. I’m in a hurry to leave, but I don’t have to be if I don’t want to. I’m trying my best to think this thing through, without passion. To make the best decision I can taking into account the stark reality of my finances and the whisper inside that tells me to pick up and move on.

 

It will be interesting to see what happens.

Long day, slow nights

Went on a day trip to Chicago with a co-worker today. No plans, just a basic idea of what we wanted to do. Stopped off at a wine bar (VOLO) at the recommendation of my recruiter, only to find that it was closed. So we grabbed some Bahn Mi’s instead and headed towards Navy Pier.

 

The Pier was exactly as expected, but it was nice to walk around there and then head over to Michigan Ave to walk some more and people watch. Headed over to the Purple Pig for some roasted marrow and wine, but faced with a long wait we ended up going to an asian seafood buffet that my co-worker wanted to check out. It was lobster night, but even then, I wouldn’t call the food very good.

 

The entire day felt like cheating. I kept thinking about the last trip that I had made to Chicago with Mursette and the Monster. I kept noticing souvenirs that I could get them and kept thinking about what it could be like if they were there.

 

I guess that’s my problem. I keep thinking about all the “what if’s” and not so much about the reality. I have invested so much time working towards a future that I had hoped would be and now have to face the reality of the future that would have been. I know that I wouldn’t have been happy. I know that our problems wouldn’t be solved and the fighting would have continued. I know all of this, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow. I know that when I leave here and take my next assignment and leave my friends behind that I will just be lonelier, and the doubts will become louder.

 

So I’m sad for an impossible future that I wished could be true.

 

I talked to my recruiter today and because the NorCal job is taking so long to get a hold of me, she’s recommending that I apply for one in central California, in a town that I hate. I knew that this was a possibility, but I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. I’m going to ask her to look into Texas or Arizona, but there’s a certain amount of money that I have to make. I have bills and I promised Mursette that I would pay my portion of rent until the end of the lease.

 

I know everything will work out with the job, but I just wish that it would hurry up and work out now.

 

Now, just to quiet my mind and try to get some sleep tonight.

Rough Month

This September has been a particularly bad month. I’ve been meaning to write about it. At first I was so busy with travel and work that I just didn’t have the time and then apathy took over. I think I just didn’t want to face it. To have to put it all down. To risk writing about it and having it turn out stupid.

 

Things with Mursette had been steadily declining for quite some time. During one of our counseling sessions she said something particularly hurtful that I just couldn’t turn a blind eye to and I made the decision to just end it.

 

Mursette and I are very different, and against better logic, I had thought that we could make things work. Our communication skills were horrible. We want very different things in our lives, and we value very different things. It always annoyed me that she would never meet her problems head on and instead decide to avoid them and hope that they would change. At the same time she would fight with me about the silliest little things, a dichotomy that I just couldn’t accept. So, I ended things and like an amateur told her that I had to stay in the apartment for about a week while I lined up somewhere else to stay. One morning after work I came home. What started off bad turned to worse and I had to pack and leave the apartment in a huge hurry, all the time worried about her safety as well. Through the help of a few good friends I managed to secure a place to stay and did my best to make sure that she was okay. The following weeks were rough. My grandmother went into Hospice and succumbed to cancer a few weeks later, causing me to drive back the Bible belt twice in two weeks.

 

Throughout this time we began to talk. Just a little at first and more later. She was talking about how she had become more active and that she was seeing the counselor alone. I was impressed with the progress that she had made over just a few weeks. I started considering getting back with her on a trial basis while we worked on things. You see, I’m a romantic. There’s something alluring about overcoming a great obstacle to find a great love. This is the dream that I fell for. I discussed the idea with my counselor and against the better advice of close friends, we decided to try and make it work.

 

About a week later I was on a trip to the east coast, a trip that had been supposed to go on. Things started just fine, but a few days before her birthday I could tell something was wrong. It all came to a head on her birthday and she spent the night texting me the most awful, hurtful things that she could think of.

 

Maybe I should thank her for all of that, it made my task much easier. Walking away was much easier and some of my feelings of guilt were gone. At least for a little bit. In the past few days we have spoken a few times, and it has been cordial. I can tell that she’s hurting quite a bit and I now know that she’s never been broken up with before and also claims that she’s hadn’t been in love until now.

 

It’s hard hearing that. I can remember the loss of my first love and how devastated it made me feel. At age 19 I didn’t have many responsibilities, so it was fine that I spent a week on the couch crying. At age 19 my life and hers hadn’t intermingled to any degree. At age 19 I wasn’t really giving much thought to future plans. I have an understanding of how she must feel, but not a full understanding.

 

To know that you’re causing someone that you care about so much pain is a hard thing to know. Even if that person purposely hurt you and you know that your decision is the right one. You want to reach out and try to comfort them, but you know that you’re the last person in the world who can do that. To try and accept that taking care of this person isn’t your responsibility anymore is difficult to relearn. I find myself thinking of offering to do things for her.

I’ve always been one to try and shoulder all of the burden and ask for nothing in return, and strangely it seems that usually that’s what I get.

 

I miss her and I miss the Monster.

 

I’ve been in contact with my recruiter. Everything is ready for me to go traveling. I’m currently waiting on an interview for a job in NorCal, one that despite being 48 hours a week, I’m damn excited about. I’m so scared to travel again. I’m comfortable here. I know the hospitals. I know the people. I have friends and I generally know what to expect at work. To cast off and head west is a scary proposition. Scary, but exciting.

 

A long time ago I was asked if I wanted to start being Charge Nurse. The idea frightened me and I vocalize that fear. My manager at the time just said “Ok” and said that if I didn’t want to start doing it that they would train the next person on the list, someone with less experience that me. Insulted, I immediately started training. Wouldn’t you know it, but I loved being in charge. That moment was a lesson that I’ve carried with me since. Most of the time the things that scare you are the things that you should do. And so I prepare to leave the comfort of a steady job and familiar people for the uncertainties of the road.

 

Wish me luck.