Went on a day trip to Chicago with a co-worker today. No plans, just a basic idea of what we wanted to do. Stopped off at a wine bar (VOLO) at the recommendation of my recruiter, only to find that it was closed. So we grabbed some Bahn Mi’s instead and headed towards Navy Pier.

 

The Pier was exactly as expected, but it was nice to walk around there and then head over to Michigan Ave to walk some more and people watch. Headed over to the Purple Pig for some roasted marrow and wine, but faced with a long wait we ended up going to an asian seafood buffet that my co-worker wanted to check out. It was lobster night, but even then, I wouldn’t call the food very good.

 

The entire day felt like cheating. I kept thinking about the last trip that I had made to Chicago with Mursette and the Monster. I kept noticing souvenirs that I could get them and kept thinking about what it could be like if they were there.

 

I guess that’s my problem. I keep thinking about all the “what if’s” and not so much about the reality. I have invested so much time working towards a future that I had hoped would be and now have to face the reality of the future that would have been. I know that I wouldn’t have been happy. I know that our problems wouldn’t be solved and the fighting would have continued. I know all of this, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow. I know that when I leave here and take my next assignment and leave my friends behind that I will just be lonelier, and the doubts will become louder.

 

So I’m sad for an impossible future that I wished could be true.

 

I talked to my recruiter today and because the NorCal job is taking so long to get a hold of me, she’s recommending that I apply for one in central California, in a town that I hate. I knew that this was a possibility, but I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. I’m going to ask her to look into Texas or Arizona, but there’s a certain amount of money that I have to make. I have bills and I promised Mursette that I would pay my portion of rent until the end of the lease.

 

I know everything will work out with the job, but I just wish that it would hurry up and work out now.

 

Now, just to quiet my mind and try to get some sleep tonight.