I’ve been up to quite a bit lately. I’ve been to LA (taco truck tour), several trips to San Diego, Las Vegas and even Tijuana. Yet I can’t seem to bring myself to write. I’m not really sure what the problem is. I’m not sure if when I get lots of days off I end up going somewhere and when I only have one or two days off, I want to not do anything. Or perhaps there’s something much deeper going on.
I suspect it’s the latter, as I find myself avoiding the question.
What is hidden so deep that it keeps me from writing? What am I afraid of finding?
I want to travel the world so badly. Right now I get paid to travel around the US, which is awesome, but I long for faraway shores. I’m hoping to be able to make it a reality this fall, after the end of this contract. I think I’ve finally settled on Thailand, it seems the most accessible. But already I’m finding myself second guessing. Wondering if I’m choosing the right place. Thinking of alternatives. Searching for the perfect experience. In addition, I’m already worrying about things that could make the trip not happen. Wondering if the amount of time I’ve decided to go for is too long. Worrying if the trip will cost too much. Most of all, scared that I won’t have another job lined up for when I get back.
On top of all of that, my car started acting up. Puffs of white smoke during start. Maybe I broke it when I went stage 2, but I knew that was a risk.
The point is, for a person who considers themselves laid back, I seem to worry quite a bit. I’m so focused on the things that could go wrong that it’s getting in the way of the present and probably hindering my ability to actually realize my future.
What to do? How to delve down into myself and figure out how to quiet it. Quiet myself, I suppose.
In other news, G is getting married in less than a week. D is flying in and we’ll have a couple of days in LA to hang out. Should be a good time. I actually have 8 days off in a row. A few of them are occupied with the wedding and such, but the rest are wide open. For the first time, I have a stretch of days off with nothing planned. It should be interesting.