Three years ago I went travel nursing for the first time. It was scary and exciting. I was ready to get out there, to explore, to meet people and have new experiences. I thought that this time it would be the exact same way, that once I left I would feel all those things again. That it would be the beginning of an epic adventure. That everything would just fall into place and great things would start to happen. Instead I feel lonely and empty. Everything doesn’t feel okay. I am plagued by a great sadness. I don’t think that Mursette was the right match for me, but I realize that it’s going to take quite a bit more time to get over all of this. I worry about her and the monster. I want to take care of them in some way, but I know that I can’t and that it’s not my place anyways. I had hopes and dreams, expectations that will never come to fruition now, all things that I mourn for. I guess that I have to give myself time to process all of this and to move on. It’s just difficult. In this time of need, I have successfully left everyone that I know behind, something that you’d think I’d be used to by now, but I’m not.

I feel isolated, unsure of what I should be doing and how I should be feeling. I don’t know what the future holds for me. Time has taken on a weight that it never really had before. I feel an increasing urgency to do things, to become something. I worry that if I don’t start accomplishing things soon that my time will run out and I will be old, lonely and upset at a wasted life. The whisper is becoming louder and it says “the time is now, seize the day,” only I have no idea what it is that I’m supposed to be doing nor do I have the monetary means to accomplish much. Once again I try to be responsible, paying my rent here and half of Mursette’s rent back in the snowy north, the majority of the rest I’m trying to save. You never know how long it will be until the next assignment comes along.

All that being said, I don’t mind this part of California so much. Exactly where I am doesn’t have much happening, but I’m reasonably close to San Diego, Los Angeles, Palm Springs and even Las Vegas. I’ve been trying to take trips on my days off, to see things. It’s nice, but I find myself wishing I had a companion. I used to think that someday when I had all my shit together that then I’d find someone to journey with me. What if I never get my shit together?